October 30 - Captain

Captains Log.  Final Entry.

I have spent my life seeking the unknown.  We've travelled to worlds beyond imagination.  And yet, it's not the places that I will remember most.

It's the people.

WE faced the impossible together.  WE shared the triumphs .. and the tragedies.  The laughter .. and the sorrow.  Somewhere along the way, we became more than just individuals serving aboard the same vessel.

We became a crew.  We became family.

Commanding this ship has been the honor of my lifetime.  And knowing each of you has been its greatest reward.

... 

*chirp-chirp* One to beam up.

In loving memory of Sir Patrick Stewart [1940-2026]

O Captain! My Captain!  Adieu, mon cher capitaine!

Bwaa...  *sniffle*

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Tales from the Other Other Side of the Sty:

October 29 - Curse of the Mummy

He knew, even as he did it, that he was doing something vile.

But his desire was so strong he told himself what men always tell themselves when they want permission to be ugly. 

"If I don't do it, someone else will."

Thus began his own private hell, a curse fed year after year by shame and fear and the madness of the memory.

Once each year, he returns.   A shambling thing wrapped head to foot, condemned to wear the shape of his disgrace, working off a debt too absurd to confess.

By his calculations, it will take another six years to work through all the toilet paper he hoarded in 2020.  

A tragic tale of greed, guilt and bad decisions about the future of pooping.
Looks like our poor fellow got a little wrapped up in the panic!

Mwahahahahahaa! *snort*

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Tales from the Other Other Side of the Sty:

October 28 - Pinocchia

Geppetto had always wanted a son.

A little face smiling across the breakfast table. Someone to inherit his tools and, someday, his shop.

But wishes were for fairy tales, and Geppetto was a woodcarver.

So instead he chose the finest piece of pine in the shop and worked through the night, carefully carving every detail he'd imagined.

Just before dawn, Geppetto set down his knife and looked on proudly.

.. and for the very first time, she opened her eyes. 

Not every unexpected twist is a terrible one, dear fiends!

Even the finest woodcarver must learn to work with the grain!

Mwahahahahahaa! *snort*

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Tales from the Other Other Side of the Sty:

October 27 - A Hell of a Quarter

Greetings, Team!

As many of you know, our new department represents an exciting partnership with some influential folks topside. Now qualified individuals have the opportunity to resolve their eternal obligations through negotiated financial settlements.

I'm happy to report that first-quarter earnings have exceeded projections by a substantial margin! Management is already exploring ways to expand the program, including expedited processing for our most valuable clients.

Traditional sentencing will remain available to those unable to participate.

Warmest regards,

** Robert E. Beelz, Esq.**
Director, Department of Infernal Settlements

As above so below boils and ghouls,
Looks like some folks get off ... scorch-free!

Mwahahahahahaa! *snort*

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Tales from the Other Other Side of the Sty:

October 26 - Back Room

In the Backrooms, endless hallways, yellow wall paint,
Buzzing fixtures, dampened carpets, distant whispers.
Round the corner, through the doorway, goodbye windows,
Empty office, distant footsteps, something watching.

I'll wait in this place, where the sun never shines,
Wait in this place, where the shadows run from themselves.

As I walked on, found a passage, hope returning,
Through the doorway, there's my bedroom, warm and waiting.
Fell exhausted, slept for hours, woke to buzzing.
Yellow wall paint, neon flicker, distant whispers.

I live in this place, where my memories unwind,
Live in this place, built from pieces of my mind.

I said my favorite music is "Scream", not ... whatever this is!
Although I must admit, the acoustics in here are to die for!

Mwahahahahahaa! *snort*

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Tales from the Other Other Side of the Sty:

October 25 - Godhammer

The trouble with legendary weapons is that after they are used in a glorious battle or two - it's off to the royal mantle, where they spend the next thousand years gathering dust.

The mighty Godhammer shattered the gates of Charex, crushed the dread armies of the Nine-headed Warlord, destroyed the Orb of Nazul and freed the kingdom from an eternal winter.

Then came the centuries of peace. Kings died, kingdoms fell.  History became legend, legend became myth, and the ancient weapon passed out of all knowledge.

But for twenty glorious years, it knew true happiness. Night after night, the thunderous applause, the beautiful explosions of flying pulp, and the laughter of thousands. No wars, no kingdoms, no great destinies. Just a man, a hammer, and an endless supply of watermelons.

The man is gone now, and the hammer rests once more. But of all the names bestowed upon it by gods and kings, it treasures most the one given by a man who simply wanted people to laugh.

Sledge of Mathok.

Alas, dear fiends, our mighty hammer has returned to retirement.
I suppose you could say he's feeling a little ... melon-choly!

Mwahahahahahaa! *snort*

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Tales from the Other Other Side of the Sty:

October 24 - Nozzlebeast

Usually by the third night of a balloon convention, nozzlebugs have formed.

These invasive little creatures thrive in the warm, humid conditions of a crowded jam room, where poor sanitation and hygiene provide an almost limitless supply of raw material.

Their digestive systems can't distinguish between synthetic and organic, and their bites can be quite painful.  Fingers are particularly vulnerable, but the creatures are otherwise relatively harmless.

Fortunately, infestations are usually limited to the convention itself.  An occasional specimen will take refuge in a balloon bag if left unattended, but rarely survives long once separated from the nest.

Unless, of course, it's already begun transforming into a nozzlebeast.

It seems that conventions are a real infest-ment opportunity!

A clean jam room is a safe jam room!

Mwahahahahahaa! *snort*

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Tales from the Other Other Side of the Sty: